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Monday, December 27, 2010
='C

“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband…. ”

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

Saturday, December 18, 2010
what am i thinking?


Hello you, yes you.
I miss you quite terribly.
I want you to know it so bad but I just don't know how to express it to you.
Maybe it's because I'm afraid.
Yes, I'm afraid.
I am so afraid that you haven't been missing me like how bad I have been missing you.
Therefore, I post it up here with hopes that you would read and felt for it.
Its okay if you felt for it and think that this post is meant for you, because it is.
Sometimes, I just wished that you could read my mind.

I miss those good times we shared eventho it lasted for just merely 2weeks(?)
I will never forget how wide you made me smile.
Oh yes, I remember all the dates that we see or bumped into each other.
I still keep your text messages cause they are all what's left for me.
I still talk about you to my girlfriends and even my mum, lol.
And everytime I talked about you, I realised on how much I'm missing you.

I don't know why it affected me so bad.
You definitely left an impact right here on me.
Time just passed so fast, I didn't get the chance to prove to you that I can make you the happiest guy on earth.
I hope for that 2weeks, I somehow made you happy in any way.
I remember us telling each other that we can't stop smiling when we were exchanging replies on fb inbox message.
We were so cheeky like omg hahah.

No doubt, I still have this little hope in me wishing that we could have all those good times back again.
If it were to happen, I would not want to let go off the chance to show you on what I'm capable of doing.
However, it seems to me that our days are over.
To you, i may be just a random girl you met by accident.
I don't mean anything to you.
It's alright. (:

I pray that God will ease up your mind when you're having a bad day.
I pray that God will shower you with endless strength when you thought that you're not strong anymore.
I pray that God will send you a perfect match who would go through the brightest or darkest day with you.
I pray that God will shower you with endless happiness, because that is all I want to see.
Is for you to be happy.
I am a total nobody to you but I want you to be happy real bad.
You are awesome and you deserve the best.
I wish you all the best.
Take good care of yourself.

sincerely, syahzanna.

Monday, November 22, 2010
HAPPY 17TH GLENDA BBY!^.^


HAPPY 17TH BIRTHDAY GLENDYYYYYY!! :D


Hey laosai, just turned 17 ah?
Where got time siaaa.
people turning 19 already in few months time. hahahahaha =P

Anyways, please know that meeting you was the most awesome and greatest thing that anything can ever happen to me.
I've told you before and I'm telling you again.
And I don't mind if i were have to repeat it again and again and again cause its worth it.(:

Thank you for always being on my side, going 'AWWWW..' or 'WTF SIA!' with me. ahhaha!
When I just got to know FF, you were there giving me endless thoughts and advices from the first date we had till we're over.
You are also always the kpo one who won't stop bugging me to tell what we did during the date-.-' HAHAHA!

There's too many things I wish I could list it all down here but I'm very much convinced that it will gonna be a super long post.ahhaha so yeah. here are some stuffs that we wrote on each other's wall.well, just to remind ourselves again bout the good times..(:

ME TO YOU:

i like the fact that god gave me a chance to know someone awesome like you.(:
i like it when i never fail to call u 'GLENDYYYY' everytime i see u and u show me that cheeky smile.
i like it when we have the sam...e thoughts and taste about something..remember the time when we have the same thoughts about miss-know-it-all? HAHAHAH [ok i noe u dnoe who im referring to-.-].

i like the fact that we used to always talking and laughing on the shopfloor till Jess make face at us.
i like it when we both were late for work cause i had a stomache then we have to extend.CMON ITS EARLY MORNING I CANT HELP IT.hahahah!
&i also like it when you are like my big sister eventho ur younger than me because because because...ure taller than me HAHAHA GIANT!-runs!ahahha

overall,i like how you have always been a strong pillar for me to lean on.when im happy,you were happy for me.when things got messed up,you never fail to be a listening ear and just simply be there for me.take gd care of yourself... and ur ankle so that we can meet up soon.(: all the things above,same goes to you too my dearest DURRAH! love you two to bits and pieces!^.^
xoxo,syahz♥

YOU TO ME:

I like you because you want me to post what I like about you on your wall even though I did not post the status: "If you like this status, I'll write something I like about you on your wall".
I like you because we got to know each other through working in Topshop (3 CHEERS TO WINGTAI).
I like you because you stay at CCK ...and we get to meet to go for work if we're on the same shift.
I like you because you like to berak in the morning and caused us to be late for work.
I like you because we can talk about everything under the sun though we just got to know each other last time, and until now.
I like you because you got a lot of stories to tell me each time you see me.
I like you because you accompanied me to search for an ATM machine the other time and we both bet what's the least amount we can withdraw out (-_-).
I like you because we got the same shoes from Topshop.
I like you because we both always look forward to pay day and already have a list of things we wanna get before pay day.
I like you because we shopped around town the other time after work.
I like you because you never fail to put a smile on my face with your craps.
I like you because you're like a sister to me.
I like you because you're supeeeer friendly.
I like you because you did not hate me for you-know-what last time and for not telling anyone about it. And lastly, I like you for who you are. ♥
OKAY DONE! Love you, bitch. ;)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That 'incident' doesn't even make my thoughts and feelings about you change.
I totally remember crying hard on the shopfloor, and its all because i really appreciate our friendship and no matter how dissapointed I am, I still love you the same.
In fact, it makes me love you even more cause I already treat you like a sister to me.
A sister I know I can never have from anybody.(:
God is fair.
What goes up, must come down.
Lets just take that as one of the downfall given by God to test how strong our friendship is.
We should really be proud cause we nailed it, our friendship is still as strong as ever till today.
And remember that cream shirt with hearts all over?
I'm glad I bought that for you.
At least I know even when I'm far, I still have something with you that resembles me.
Apart from that...no matter how busy or far I am..no matter what happens...
I will always be here for you, I promise.(:

As for your birthday wish...
I really hope that whatever obstacles you're facing or gonna face, you will manage to pull it through strongly.
I will always pray for your success in every single thing that you do.
You are capable of doing something beyond phenomenal and don't let anything about you change.
May God will always bless and shower you with endless love and happiness from your loved ones & patience and strength to overcome whatever circumstances that's putting you through.
May you will always be in good health and wealth.(:
&I hope that you and Daniel will last till forever cause i really believe that you two are meant for each other. Stay Strongggg(:


All my love, Syahzanna Hamzah.♥


Sunday, November 14, 2010
love is a lie.


I picture all the good times we could have had.
Holding hands by the streets.
Got everybody looking at us.
Make us feel as tho we are the hottest couple in town.
You're proud to have me with you.
You kiss my forehead in the crowd.
Everytime I'm with you, I feel as tho I am the luckiest girl on earth.
I could have love you, love you with all my heart.
But... you wouldn't let me.


SYAHZZZZ STOP IT LAHHH WTHELL SIA HAHAHAAH.
I just miss being in love can anot?hahaaa.
miss being soo loved by somebody.
i feel that im always giving too much than what i receive.
ya feel me?
omgawsh..
the last i felt so loved was with FF.
seriously, i miss him so much lahh.
i can really cry right now thinking about what happened between us.
like how bad it ended.
fuck it all.
shit happens, life moves on.

and then i met this one gorgeous fella on the date stated on the picture above.
things were going awesome till i don't know what happened.......
shit happens(again), life moves on.

why am i always talking about all these emotional kinda thing.
i mean, it will only affect me even more.
like seriously.
im sorry lah people but i have just been feeling lonely for hmm quite long.

mum is getting worried that i might turned lesbian but i think it would be better. HAHAH
dad on the other hand like it that i don't have a bf cox he knows i love to spend so much on my bf so now he say,'no bf good what.save money'.
but actually, he don't mind if i have a bf cause he need somebody to protect his princess whenever he can't.

awwww..i feel like tear-ing now.
i am so grateful to have such beautiful parents around.
like they are really the awesome understanding folks.
they really meant for each other.
love you two from bits to pieces....<3>

okay then sexy people.
i gotta go now.
so many orange thingy blinking below there.hahahaha
toodles.
If you miss somebody, tell them. Its never too late.

all my love, syahzhmz.

Thursday, November 11, 2010
somwhere over the rainbow.



Hey bitches!
so frigging dusty here.. *coughs (:

have been really busy engaging with different kinds of activities to keep myself busy.
POL-ITE is over! and that marks one burden down.(oh yeahh)
now busy with the game show shootings and all.
seriously, i don't feel like engaging with it anymore.
ohh wells, shan't extinguish the family's enthusiasm down.
now every saturday morning, i will be sacrificing my sleep to be at Lavender PAYM place there for Chingay dance prac.
don't even know why i signed up for that.
nevermind lah anyhow lah.hahahaa.

i used to have like alot of things to blog but now, i doesn't seem to have anything to update about.
thanks to twitter (Y) LOL!
twitter is just so frigging addictive.
its like, you can update about what's happening instantly.
awesome much,yeahh.

omgawsh it just feels so weird.
i think imma end it here and read on my old blog posts to refresh myself on howwww i used to blog.
hahaha till next entry all my sexy people.
keep fit, eat your greens. (:

all my love, syahzhmz.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010
fatigue.


i feel the need to make you happy cause of that kiss.
i know its been months but honestly,it still bothers me not knowing why u had given me the kiss that now you're acting like nothing happen.
i will try my best not to bring this matter up again.

adding salt to the wound, my life is officially fucked up.
i have no frigging idea why and what is going on but all i know is, its fucked up.
i need a fucking break.
im crying right now.ohmyy..
whats going on? ='[

i had enough.imma sleep it off.
goodnight people.

all my love,syahzhmz.

Thursday, August 19, 2010
drowning.


Where shall I go? To the left where nothing's right or to the right where nothing's left?


all my love,syahzhmz.